


Therapy for Broken Souls

by Ninety_Six_Thousand



Category: Hamilton - Miranda
Genre: Angst, Conversion & aversion therapy, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Externalized homophobia, Homophobia, Hurt/Comfort, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, conversion camp
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-25
Updated: 2017-01-25
Packaged: 2018-09-19 19:10:03
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,288
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9456704
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ninety_Six_Thousand/pseuds/Ninety_Six_Thousand
Summary: Alex's body jerked from the electric shock that shook his spine and his eyes slammed shut of their own accord."Eyes open," a voice said and he nodded, knowing that this would only get worse if he left them closed. He tried it once. He still has the scars.





	

**Author's Note:**

> Uhm... sorry?  
> TW: Conversion camp, Homophobia, abuse  
> (Not really that sorry).

Alex's body jerked from the electric shock that shook his spine and his eyes slammed shut of their own accord.

"Eyes open," a voice said and he nodded, knowing that this would only get worse if he left them closed. He tried it once. He still has the scars.

Forcing his eyes back open, Alex stared at the picture being shown on the screen. It was two men kissing on a park bench, a sunset lighting the background. It would have been a sweet picture, if not for the needles sending electric pulses through his blood. At times like these, he tried to think of other things. Things he wanted to hate, but couldn't bring himself to. His cousin for sending to this godforsaken hellhole. His father for fleeing when he found out. Himself for being bi in the first place.

It didn't usually work; the feeling of his own blood boiling was enough to distract him and force him to focus on the present. As the electroshock subsided, pictures of straight couples were shone onto the screen.

Alex's mind drifted to other, more important things. The shine of his mother's smile. The cute boy who roomed with him. The curve of other campers' smiles when they're reassuring each other. These are the only things that get him through the camp.

He sits through more rounds of this than he can keep track of before the therapist finally stops it. "Alright, I think that's enough for today."

Alex nodded gratefully, his body still shaking. The therapist guided him to a chair, setting him down gently. "So, Alex, how are you feeling?"

Like I've just been shocked multiple times, He thought bitterly. But saying that wouldn't get him out. "Pretty good," he said instead.

The man squinted and wrote something down on his notepad while nodding. He pressed a button on his clicker and an image of two men holding hands showed on the screen. "Alright, and what is your first feeling at this picture?"

The real answer was pain, but he knew by now that pain wasn't all they wanted him to feel. "I feel grossed out. Disgusted, you know?" He did feel disgusted, but not at the picture. At himself for saying it. There were people in here, admirable people, who would never say that for all the money in the world.

The therapist mumbled something he couldn't hear and clicked the clicker again. A picture of a man and women standing at the altar flashed on the screen. "And how do you feel about this?"

Alex was half tempted to scream that he was disgusted with this whole thing, but he knew better by now. "Proud. Hopeful."

The therapist scribbled something else down and pressed the button again, leaving the screen blank. "Alright, Alex. I will see you again in a few days, yes?"

Alex nodded and hopped out of the chair. God, he couldn't wait to get out.

Once he arrived back at his room, he knew something was off. First of all, his roommate, John, wasn't there. John always stayed in the room when he could because the staff didn't seem to like him very much. But he wasn't there.

Secondly, he could hear muffled sobs coming from the common room. That definitely wasn't normal, despite how messed up this "camp" was.

Throwing on a sweater, he rushed out to see what was going on. He almost immediately wished he hadn't.

He was unnoticed when he slipped in due to the sight in the middle of the room. One of the staff members was holding another patient, James, while another pressing a hot piece of metal to his skin.

James was in tears and Thomas looked about ready to punch the doctor that was holding him back. But then Alex realized, they were holding Thomas in James' sight. This wasn't just punishment, this was aversion therapy.

He slid into the crowd and ended up behind John. "What's going on?" He whispered after tapping John on the shoulder.

John gave a small jump. "Oh, hey. They caught James and Thomas kissing, so..." He trailed off and Alex pretended not to notice the tears pooling in his eyes.

Alex nodded grimly, not needing John to explain that this was punishment for that. Knowing that John didn't need to be seeing this, he grabbed his arm and steered him back to their room.

Once they were there, John broke down in tears. Alex bit his lip and walked tentatively over, putting a hand on John's back and ignoring the jolt that went through him at the contact. Neither said anything for a while, they just stood, one comforting the other.

When his tears had subsided, John said quietly, "It's so horrible."

Alex's eyes squeezed shut. "I know, John."

Dinner was at six. Of course, the absence of clocks meant that Alex never knew when it was going to happen. On this particular day, the doctors called for everyone to eat when he was in his room writing.

He wasn't stupid, he knew that the staff would read whatever he wrote, so he wrote about some girl that was here. Angelica, her name was.

He walked out into the dining hall, sighing at the quality of food he knew would be waiting for him. Smiling, he took a seat between John and Thomas. Normally, he did everything he could to avoid Thomas as he was kind of a prick, but today he was still tear stained and seemed unable to do any real damage.

Alex silently dug his fork into the food on his plate that vaguely resembled mashed potatoes and gravy, ignoring the tension at the table. Someone asked a question but no one answered. James was noticeably absent from the table, probably still recovering.

The silence was actually starting to unnerve Alex. The patients' morale seemed in heavy need of reperations. Sighing, he slid his gaze around the table, lingering on Angelica in case any of the staff was watching, before staring back into his food. They needed encouragement, but Alex wouldn't be the one to give it to them.

After dinner, they had twenty minutes to themselves before lights out which Alex typically spent in his room, working on whatever piece he was doing at the moment. His pulitzer prize acceptance speech or his obituary or his admittedly convincing fake diary. Tonight, he was writing a short love story which featured himself.

It wasn't about anyone in particular, just some nice woman who he might someday settle down with. Get married. Have a kid. It was probably a pipe dream, but no one was going to blame Alex for dreaming.

"What are you doing?" Alex jumped at the sudden sound, his eyes straying to the smiling face in the doorway. John's face crinkles in apology when he sees that he's distracted his roommate. "Sorry."

Alex waved it off. "No problem. I'm just writing." John nodded and sat on the bed next to him.

"What about?" Alex couldn't tell whether he wanted to move away or move closer. On one hand, the warmth of John's thigh felt really good, but on the other hand, it felt _really_ good, and Alex has never been known for his restraint.

John leaned over his shoulder, reading his story. He bit his lip,and Alex could tell he wanted to say something but didn't know if he was entitled.

Laughing lightly, Alex asked, "What?"

"Well, it's just that there's an inconsistency." He pointed to a plce on the paper. "See, here it says that her hair is brown, but here," his finger slid down the page to anther part. "It says that her 'blonde hair glows in the sunlight'."

Alex nodded, half amazed that anyone cared to revise his paper. John continued to read over it, pointing out grammatical errors and inconsistencies. Alex would nod and erase whenever the other boy pointed something out.

After a while, they got to where Alex had written to and John helped him come up with new ideas. After about five minutes they both got bored, and John started to suggest insane things.

"Make her turn purple," he would say and Alex would shake his head and laugh. He knew he was really bored when he started writing them down.

"Okay, so everyone is slowly dying, what happens now, John?" He asked, choking back laughter.

John looked him straight in the eye. "Kill everyone except a girl and a boy. Make them both gay."

John couldn't contain his laughter after he got the sentence out and they both fell back on the bed laughing. Alex breathed through gasping heaves, sobering up at the sight of John's smile lighting the room. His eyes danced with amusement while his chest rose and fell rapidly.

Alex could feel himself inching closer to John's lips but couldn't seem to stop himself. At that moment, he didn't care who saw him. He could feel John's breath ghosting over his own lips.

"Lights out!" A voice rang through the corridor, and Alex and John jumped away from each other. Alex's hand went to the back of his neck.

"See you tomorrow then." He mumbled awkwardly before standing up and walking to the bathroom.

Sitting on the ground, he took a deep breath. This couldn't be happening. He couldn't fall for a guy while in a conversion camp; that was just stupid.

So he splashed water on his face, crawled into bed, and went to sleep.

The next day, there was a short group therapy before breakfast. Alex purposely sat as far from John as he could without being directly across from him.

"Alright," the doctor said. "Who wants to share?"

The kids all knew how this went; they were expected to share about their "journey" from being gay to being straight. The staff wanted to hear about all the "heterosexual" things they were doing which could be anything from dressing differently to kissing someone of the opposite gender.

Alex always stayed quiet during this part, figuring he could get away with it because the staff knew he was generally a quiet person. Some kid raised his hand.

"Sonny," the doctor called. It was a name he briefly recognised from hearing it at camp.

The boy stood. "Well, I do have a crush on a girl back home?"

The doctor clapped. "That's great, Sonny," she said. Sonny nodded and sat back down.

The doctor looked around before her eyes landed on John. "John. Do you have anything?"

There was a reason the staff didn't like John.

"Yeah." He stood up and the doctor smiled. "I'm still gay."

He sat back down as the doctor's jaw clenched. "Thank you for that, John."

John nodded and Alex had to repress a laugh. The doctor just shook her head solemnly and scribbled something down on her notepad. "Alright, time for breakfast," she said.

As Alex sat with his tray, he heard John take the seat next to him. "You didn't sit beside me in group today." Alex could hear the disappointment in his voice.

"Yeah," he said, standing up. He tumped his leftover food in the trash while ignoring the inquisitive John behind him.

After lunch was bible lecture, mainly dissecting the passages they could use to defend themselves. John kept shooting him questioning glances through it, so Alex didn't really pay much attention.

As soon as it was over, he all but ran to his room. John was making him feel really bad, but it wasn't as though he could just let himself do what he wanted.

This ended up being the worst place he could have gone, as John followed him in shortly after.

He sighed, knowing what was coming. "Alright, what's up with you?" John asked.

"Nothing," Alex mumbled, shoving his hands into his pockets.

John got closer, and Alex knew that that was a bad move when his heart stopped. "Don't give me that shit, Alex! I know that something's wrong with you!"

Alex's mind sometimes stopped working when he was being yelled at. This was one of those times. "This is why," he said, stepping closer and connecting their lips.

In the seconds before John kissed back, Alex could feel his stomach dropping to the floor. But then John wrapped his arms around Alex's neck and moved his lips against Alex's.

And, just for a moment, Alex could have sworn that he felt John's heart beat in sync with his own.

They didn't talk about the kiss afterward, and Alex continued to avoid John like the plague, but, other than that, everything returned to normal. Until the day came.

John was sitting cross legged on his bed, drawing something, when Alex heard him say, "Maybe they're not so wrong."

Alex had laughed because he had assumed that John was joking. What else would he be but joking?

John, however, didn't laugh. "I mean, my entire life, my dad has been saying the exact same thing, and the kids I went to school with, they said it too. At the time, I thought it was just them, but maybe, it's just me."

Alex's breath caught in his throat. "John, you can't mean that."

John shook his head slowly. "No, I guess not."

"You guess?" Glancing around, Alex briefly pressed his lips to John's. His heart dropped to his feet when John flinched back, disgust wavering over his face. _Oh._

John looked down in shame. It was those two faces that Alex would remember when he thought about John after he was gone. Shame and disgust.

See, the worst part wasn't that John was gone. The worst part was that Alex never had the guts to have him to begin with.

 


End file.
